“DISCRIMINATION. Damn-straight, pun intended. So a wag of my finger at discriminating gays, who are victimizing America’s drunken, horny, shrieking bachelorettes. And, folks, unlike being gay, bachelorette partying is not a choice! Even if you don’t want to go, you HAVE to go… And sure, gays say it’s insensitive to their lack of rights, to which I say ‘Yeah! That’s the point!” The most sacred part of getting married is taunting gay people that they can’t! That’s why bachelorette parties SHOULD go to gay bars. Everyone knows you can only appreciate what you have by seeing other people who can’t have it! That’s why I had my wedding banquet in a soup kitchen. Those people across the room eating the thin gruel just made my rosemary chicken that much more delicious.”—Stephen Colbert’s sassy response to the renowned gay bar in West Hollywood, ‘The Abbey,’ closing its doors to bachelorette parties in the fight for same-sex marriage.